Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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