During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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