Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
