Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
