I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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