last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
