Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
