Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
