Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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