I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
