Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
