I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
