so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize