2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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