What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
