i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
