I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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