community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
