I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
