Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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