I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
