Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
