is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
