Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
