Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
