watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
