Got a toothbrush?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You smell like stripper and shame
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
