i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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