You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
