I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
