its not stalking. its research.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
