Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
