Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
