This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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