Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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