When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
