Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
