paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
