he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
