Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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