i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
