Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
