my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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