so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
