I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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