someone owes me an orgasm
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
