I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
