She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
