You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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