Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
